How come I sit here staring at a blank screen, when there is so much in my head that I want to get out, things I want to say, but they just don't come easily.  I should start by saying things have been good lately, really good.  Seems like the new Simponi is working by taking away the swelling and the pain, and those USANA vitamins I tell you, they are the answer too!  I feel so much better these days that I was talked into signing up for a Duathlon on Sept.8th in Wasaga Beach! I think I was all caught up in the excitement because its something I wanted to do for years, even went so far as to register 3 years ago for one,but I didn't make it.  One, because of training, but mostly because it coincided with our race weekend in Mosport, and it just wasn't going to happen.  But I did train for it...mostly :) So this time Jacquie and I signed up for it, and I woke up the next morning and I was all like, 'holy shit! this is for real, we signed up together and PAID for it, now I'm responsible for another person, not just me!'  SO I better get training...and the running, biking, sore butt, knees, feet begins.....but I have a goal, a reason to get out there now, a true inspiration to put my shoes on, both running and riding shoes.

 It all begins with the water bottle, loading up the Camelbak, preparing the snacks for on the go, the water, the electrolyte tabs, the Gatorade for afterwards, the Garmin( holy crap, did I remember to charge it), Park pass, the music(is the battery charged, did I load fresh music, God please don't let me have to listen to the same crap again! nope, forgot.), the right socks, right shoes, and right clothes...check.

 Performance anxiety for every time I step out that door, ABSOLUTELY...sigh, why am I so hard on myself, why can't I just go, be free and enjoy?

12 weeks of this, will I survive?  Oh Race Day, you wont come soon enough, and then all  of a sudden you'll be here, and I will be ready...because it's the journey that counts, it's where you learn about yourself.  It's where you see if you have 'inner fortitued' as Dad called it.  I have it...somewhere, packed away....guess I better get it ready for tomorrow, pack it up with my Camlebak, and all my other goodies...I'm going to need it.

A Beautiful Spring Day not Wasted

Would you believe me if I told you that I mowed the lawn today? D actually bought me a new lawn mower and I was out there mowing the ditch and doing the trim today....not as good as I could've, as I was told, because I forgot some spots, but I claimed to have 'sore' hands so I was done as much as I could do ;)  A wee fib, but the vibrations from the mower really make my hands feel like there's bugs crawling through them, and then after a few minutes, they hurt.  And then there's the pulling and pushing of the mower, up the hills, thro the thick grass, around the trees, back and forth, push, pull...sigh, who can blame me for quitting early!  Anywho, it's done for another week, I just wont let it get so long before I cut it next week....I hope.

And then I puttered, wandered in the field behind the house, looking for small trees that may like to be transplanted into a loving backyard like ours..and to what do my wandering eyes do appear...Asparagus! Yippe! I thought it had all burnt in the frost from the early spring, fooled you, Mother Nature says.

Defined by your actions?

Rheumatoid Arthritis, whether we like it or not, does define you. I say this not to take the wind out of hopeful sails. But simply to breathe some realistic air into the mix.
RA defines all of us who suffer from it... it even defines much of the lives of those closest to us. My husband is absolutely finely tuned, and dialed in to the inner workings of his wife's disease. He's even more aware of day to day happenings than I am at times. I have to give him credit, sometimes I don't think he's paying attention, and then Bam!, he drops some comment about my behavior, or actions, and I'm like, "Dude, you are paying attention"  And then what do I go and do? Try and hide the worst part of it, or the small things he might notice again...secrets, they are the worst, but in a way, you become ashamed of what has happened to you, is happening to you, is preventing you from doing, or is making you become.  I know, I have NO control over why it happened, or continues to happen in a creeping forward motion, and I cant explain how I feel...but there it is.  Unless you have walked or tried to run a few miles in my shoes..you just can't get it. Period.


To deny that we are not defined by this disease perpetuates the mystery of this disease. It makes us continue to act tougher than we need to be. A characteristic of many people, myself included, who suffer from any chronic pain affliction is we are overachievers, multi-multi-taskers, givers galore...and we are stubborn go getter's who not only can do and do and more, but don't have time to get sick.
BUT we did. So why put on that face, that mask, that hides this "invisible disease" as they call it-by saying we are NOT defined by it?

Good question.  Got any idea?